POINT OF ORDER.

I’m proud to announce this is my first post of the new decade. And that’s not all. This is the first post on the all new DannyZeff.com. The entire website has been completely redesigned so that it is no longer a random website with further random “subsites” but rather a true showcase of everything Danny Zeff. That includes Yamblings, which now sits along the top of the website among my other writings and videos. (Of course if you are one of my Facebook readers, then none of this affects you. However I do recommend checking out the website.)

END POINT.

I received my driver’s license in fall 2008. And in summer 2009, I officially received my dad’s white 1998 Honda Civic. Meanwhile he bought a new Honda Insight, which is a new hybrid from Honda that from the outside looks exactly like the Prius. As far as I am aware, only two have sold in the Sacramento area. Guess who has the better car now?

I thought having my own car would be amazing. I could finally set the radio presets the way I wanted, pimp it with whatever bumper stickers I wanted, and join a mob since I could hide corpses in the trunk. Little did I know how much trouble I would have with my silly little Honda Civic. So instead of describing the ups and down of the year like I did for 2008, I want to yamble on about what my car has put me through. Here we go.

June 2009. I was visiting Santa Rosa on what I consider my first road trip. Unfortunately the road and I weren’t working so well hand-in-hand. I probably made at least 10 illegal moves over that weekend (hopefully cops don’t read this). Well, some point that weekend my friend and I were blasting some Frank Zappa while I drove through one of those Santa Rosan suburbs. My friend told me that I missed a stop sign a few yards back. I refused to believe it, but just to check, I turned my head–still in rhythm with “Dancin’ Fool”–just to prove there was no stop si–

Posing with my car

THUD! The car came to a loud stop. I was scared shitless that I crashed the whole front of the car into something awful. Quickly I stepped out of the car. No damage to the car itself… I just hit the curb very fast and very harshly. The only problem? I punctured one of the front tires. Huge gaping hole just laughing at me.

Well that was embarrassing, but luckily this happened in the middle of a residential neighborhood and not down the busy freeway of Interstate 5. My friend’s dad came by and helped me lift the car using a jack, take off the poor tire, and put on a spare (which I didn’t even know existed in my car!). Unfortunately even then, the spare tire was a bit flat. So I had to call up AAA so someone could come by and give the spare tire some air. The AAA-rep said it would take maybe 20 minutes. I’m pretty sure we waited an hour, if not two, just so we could get that air. The next morning I brought the car to Les Schwab, where they put in some new tires. And that was that. From that point on, I was a lot more careful when driving. Especially if I had friends in the car.

I thought that would be the end of my car trouble, but noooooooooooo. It was just beginning. Skip to approximately a month later. I had driven across California to go work at Camp Ramah for my 10th year associated with the camp. The drive down was smooth. It was once I got there that was the problem. For those not familiar with the camp, let me explain the terrain. The entire camp is built on a hill. The bunks–where the youngest kids sleep, fight, and pick their noses–are on the top of this hill. The staff parking lot–where staff members smoke, eat In N Out, and pick their noises–is way beyond the bottom of the hill where it all flattens out. So that bunk counselors don’t have to shlep their luggage from the parking lot to the bunks, they temporarily park their cars at the top of the hill to move their stuff. As long as the cars are in the parking lot before the campers arrive, this is not a problem.

For those having troubles conceptualizing this

And of course, this was the problem. On the morning before all the campers were to arrive, I needed to move my car to the parking lot. I checked the cubby where I put my keys… except… wait… where were my keys? I searched frantically. I could not find them anywhere! But they had to be around. I knew I needed to find them quickly; rule of thumb is once something is lost at summer camp, it never turns up again (something I dealt with at least once each of those 10 years). I had no time to patiently search for them. I called up AAA again and asked if they could tow my car to the parking lot while meanwhile I’d wait for a spare car key to be sent from home. They said they do not cover that; the car can only be towed home or to a repair shop.

POINT OF ORDER.

Think of the fridge logic here.  For free, AAA could tow my car to my house–a seven-hour drive give or take. However driving it approximately half a mile would cost me. Does anyone else see the flaw in the system?

END POINT.

AAA’s initial solution was to send in car locksmith, who could come in a few hours and create a new usable key for $150ish. Trying to hold onto my money like any good Jewish teen boy would (not to mention the kids would arrive in a few hours), I asked if there was any faster, cheaper alternative. Luckily there was: a third-party could tow it for about half the price.  Good enough solution for me. The car was moved and I got to greet my amazing campers (even you, Aaron F) stress-free.

Sure enough, the next morning I found my keys hidden between two t-shirts. Considering there were a bunch of kids in the same room as me, I tried to curse as quietly as possible.

That was the end of my car trouble for the summer. Unfortunately it was not the end of my car trouble in 2009. Just wait until you read about what happened once I got to CHAPMAN UNIVERSITY. But we’ll save it for next time on Yamblings. Zeff out.

However I quite surprised to see exactly what the comments were. I thought surely someone would comment “Yeah, what about him?” But no! Every poster not only agreed with me, but finished the statement on my behalf. And no, Ari, he’d be my boyfriend if I was gay. Speaking of which, the holy NPH is the Gay of the Week. Imagine that.

Well good job, Neil! Looks like my experiment was successful. You are truly a man that needs no explanation to exist as a Facebook status. Next I must see if more people will start following me if I tweet your name on Twitter.

In the mean time, I’m suddenly in the mood to watch a Harold & Kumar flick…

It’s no coincidence that they chose mitzvah for December. Remember all those holidays coming up? Maybe you haven’t watched that annoying GAP commercial with the screaming children enough (“I love my comfy sweater… I love my comfy sweater….”). This is the time to be kind to one another and share the love. Need a secret Santa gift? In this economy, the best thing is not a $50 Best Buy giftcard but something more personal… why not just hang out for an entire day with a friend you haven’t spent much time with lately? I know I can’t wait to go home and see my family and friends (especially our upcoming epic IKEA adventure!).

On that note, NaBloPoMo offered the challenge of giving someone something every day of this month. That’s something we ought to do every day of the year. And even though it is too late for me to start posting every day this month, it is never too late for me to start giving. So here is what I’m giving my friends. If there is anything you want or anything I can do for you, please give me a call and I’ll help you out (within reason of course… I’m not changing your cat’s litter box again).

On a different yet related note, I was speaking to a stranger on Omegle who claimed to be female, but knowing this is Omegle she could have downright been male. Anyways, I discovered this person also a member of the tribe. Somewhere during our conversation I brought up how Chanukah (the correct spelling) is a minor holiday and only gets so much attention because it happens around Christmastime. My stranger friend was a tad offended; she loves Chanukah because it is a huge family bonding time for her and one of the only Jewish practices they follow. Most people would shrug this off, but this really made me think. Often I take for granted how much I’m into my Judaism and the fact that I celebrate every festival and observe–or at least am aware–of most of the laws and customs. But I forget that most Jews are not like me, and perhaps go to synagogue once a year for Yom Kippur. For them, I can see why Chanukah is a special time.

Here is what I have concluded. Chanukah is a minor festival in terms of halacha (Jewish law). But the story of Chanukah is just as important as any moment in Jewish history, and people have the right to be as festive (but not Festivus) as they desire to be.

To my Jews and non-Jews, have a legit Chanukah. May your chanukiahs (menorahs) hold long candles… because you know what they say about chanukiahs with long candles…

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: horny?
You: not as much as you are
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

*********

You: what are you up to?
Stranger: playing PC game
You: what game?
Stranger: game in china
You: anything more specific?
Stranger: this game is made in china
Stranger: and if you want play that you must in china
You: ok got it
Stranger: yes
Stranger: not as wow is global game

*********

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: sexy girl?
You: you feeling lucky?
Stranger: maybe
You: how you doin, big boy?
Stranger: good. asl?
You: 18/m/cali
Stranger: fahg
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

********

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: salutations
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

********

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: shalom
Stranger: WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU GODDAMN JEW?
You: i want your salmon
Stranger: HAVEN’T YOU HAD ENOUGH OF MY GELD?
You: what is this “geld” you speak of?
Stranger: CHRISTMAS ISN’T ENOUGH YOU PEOPLE? YOU HAVE TO HAVE CHUANKAKAKA TOOOOO?
You: and YOM KIPPUR
You: don’t forget PASSOVER!!!!
Stranger: ROSH HUANANANNAA
Stranger: MATZA BALL SOUUUUUPPPP
Stranger: but really, that shit is good
You: i know, right?

********

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Stranger: ?
Stranger: you spanish?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

********

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi there would u want to see a nice cock on the cam ?
You: how nice is it?
You: on a scale of 1 to 10
You: take your time
Stranger: 9 inch
You: not bad
Stranger: how big ur boobs?
You: circumcized or not?
Stranger: circumcized
You: nice, mine’s 10 inches
You: SURPRISE!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

*********

Stranger: asl?
You: yes, i am a member of the american softball league
Stranger: okay…
You: are you a member of the asl as well?

********

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hey
Stranger: hey
You: hey
Stranger: hey
You: hey
Stranger: whaddddd up?
You: you got a real purdy mouth
Stranger: man im gay
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

********

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: girl or guy?
You: you feeling lucky?
Stranger: yes
You: guy
You: you?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

********

You: hi
Stranger: hey
Stranger: male?
You: it depends… would you disconnect if i said “male”?
You: don’t bullshit me
You: *snapping in a Z-formation*
Stranger: yup probably
You: then i’m female

Am I ever going to return to Omegle? Perhaps. If I’m really bored. And there’s absolutely nothing on the internet worth doing.

Today while I was browsing Facebook I noticed one of my friends updated her status to mention a prequel to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, which my closest friends and I absolutely love and is one of the better products of the 2007-2008 Writer’s Strike. Extremely curious, I googled “dr horrible prequel” and I discovered that the fan-made prequel Horrible Turns was released only two days ago. Since I was sitting in a friend’s room at the time (I had left my card key in my room and had to wait for my roommate to get back to open the door), we sat down and began watching this film. I went in with some slight negative expectations, but towards the end my opinions were completely different. I figure that by tomorrow, there’s going to be a million reviews of this production. I wanted to get a head start on the bandwagon… hopefully it will bring traffic to my blog.

Here’s a quick synopsis. May contain spoilers! Horrible Turn traces the origins of how the lovable “Billy Buddy” became Dr. Horrible with a PhD in Horribleness, as well as how Captain Hammer became a corporate tool. The story takes place in high school, and Billy is preparing for a math competition. But that’s not the only thing on his mind… he wants to impress Australian exchange student Katie Kitty (no wonder he wants to give Penny “a shiny new Australia” several years later!). He also wants to change the world and stop all violence, especially now that he’s aware that a mysterious Evil League of Evil is forming and committing various crimes. But neither the Evil League of Evil nor his crush are the worst of his worries. His douchebaggy egocentric math teammate Kenny Hammerstein (Jewish?) is. Need more to get you interested? The infamous Johnny Snow is another rival of Billy. Still not enough? How about a cameo from Dead Bowie? Alright, I hope I have you hooked now.

The first thing that really stands out about this is its high production value. Elaborate soundtrack, well designed sets, HD cinematography, even the casting isn’t all that bad. I can’t help but wonder how much this cost, or where they possibly got the money from. A senior thesis film at Chapman University can cost around $20,000–if not more–and that’s only a 20-minute film. Horrible Turn is about an hour (which is longer than its predecessor). I’m sure the guys that made this realize how unlikely it is to make a profit off an unauthorized adaptation of a copyrighted work, so there must have been a motive other than money. Perhaps the director (as well as the actors) will use it as part of their film reel and resume to get legit jobs.

The songs were well written and performed, even if they aren’t quite as catchy or memorable as the music of the original. Although I wonder if I listen to the music more than the songs will get suck in my head. I’ve noticed there are two types of musicals: shows with songs that progress the plot (think Sweeny Todd) and shows with songs that are quite catchy but simply branch off of characters’ conversation and could easily be skipped over without leaving plot holes (think Grease). The original Dr. Horrible is the former type. Horrible Turn unfortunately is the latter type. This didn’t take away from the film, but a show is always more clever when the songs can be naturally placed into the plot rather than being like “I need to use the bathroom. LET’S SING A SONG ABOUT IT!” I also noticed that many of the songs have a very similar “sister” song in the original:

“There’s No Place on Earth Like Australia” = “My Freeze Ray” (both are about a certain female interest)
“The Australian Consulate Chorus” = “Bad Horse Chorus” (both have a chorus… duh!)
“She Talked to Me” = “My Eyes” (both involve Billy and his love interest in a duet, even though they don’t appear onscreen together)
“I am Handsome” = “A Man’s Gotta Do” (both involve Hammer singing about his ego)
“You’re All Winners to Me” = “Everyone’s a Hero” (now Hammer sings in front of a dais)
The Creepy Final Song = The Creepy Final Song (both are creepy final songs)

On an ending note about the music, I really enjoyed Johnny Snow’s post-credits ballad to Hammer. Great laugh out loud moment.

The cast was not bad, but it was not Oscar-worthy either. The actors performed their characters well, not trying to impersonate Nathan Fillion or Neil Patrick Harris yet developing enough so that we the audience can truly accept that these were in fact the teenage versions of the characters we have learned to love. This holds especially true for the boy who played Kenny Hammerstein. I thought the casting for Billy was a bit off; his physical appearance gives him more of a bully look than the “lovable geek” look. It wasn’t a distracting thing though. And Katie Kitty is absolutely stunning (I was crushed to see what happened between she and Billy at the end, but I won’t give that away). Some of the lines were a bit cheesy, but I wonder if this was intended to give it a “fan fictiony” feel.

This “origins” storyline was very clever and kept well with the continuity of the characters. Could this film work as a standalone, or is it dependent on its predecessor? Much like The Godfather III, I think viewers would like the story but not appreciate it fully if they did not see the original. I did enjoy all the clever references to the original Dr. Horrible film as well as other Joss Whedon works, and then some early 90s references as well. To name a few:

• the competing math team is from a school called Serenity
• there is a garbage company called DahlHaus (Dollhouse)
• look closely for the Buffy poster hanging on a wall
• “You want to go out for frozen yogurt?” “I’m allergic to frozen yogurt.” “I meant pie.”
• there is a character named Felicia Night
• brick cellular phones (“It’s so tiny”)
• a newspaper with a headline saying the digital music industry is bound to fail
• Billy looks us info on CompuServe and Prodigy

And speaking of references, I bet this production will bring up the issue of copyright. The film’s website explicitly states: “Any similarity to characters created by Joss Whedon is, like, totally a coincidence. And by ‘coincidence’ we mean accidental. And by ‘accidental’ we mean fortunate. And by ‘fortunate’ we mean intentional. And by ‘intentional’ we mean unauthorized.” When thought over, nothing in this film mentions any copyrighted name (even when Billy starts saying his new name “Doctor…” it cuts out before he says “Horrible”). I suppose only intellectual property has been preached upon. Would Joss Whedon make a fuss over that though? Actually I’m really curious to know what Joss Whedon thought of Horrible Turn. Hopefully he will release an official statement about it in the next few days. I also wonder if he’d be willing to consider this story canonical, especially as the authorized Dr. Horrible sequel is in the works.

Overall, Horrible Turn does not match up to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog in any way. The original web film explored a mishmash of bizarre themes… a supervillain (who is really the hero) blogging about his daily life dealing with the superhero (who is really the douchebag antagonist) as well as pursuing a girl in a laundromat… on top of that, the characters break out into song every few minutes. As soon as “My Freeze Ray” begins, the average viewer has that WTF look on that face yet is compelled to keep watching. The prequel is not WTF in that way, nor does it dive into the philosophical questions of what is good and what is evil. It is simply a tribute to an excellent Joss Whedon production.

Do I have any regrets watching Horrible Turn? Not at all. I began watching it thinking it would be pretty bad, but I finished watching it and concluding that it was enjoyable. I even had some moments where I laughed out loud. I think it can only be appreciated if you are as obsessed with the Dr. Horrible universe as much as I am.

Now it’s your turn to comment. Watch the entire movie, directly embedded below this line. Then post your own thoughts.

The Horrible Turn Website

I was at a friend’s house for a Fathers’ Day brunch. When my friends, her siblings, and I were done eating we decided to head over to the glorious Wii. I was excited to play Wii Fit as I had heard so many great things about it, and I couldn’t wait to stand on the holy Balance Board of holiness. For those that don’t know, Wii Fit is a fitness game designed for people to lazy to join a gym (irony!). It consists of several mini-games consisting of yoga, aerobics, and balance. One of the balance games is called Soccer Heading (known as Football Heading outside the US), in which you are the goalie at soccer practice and all your teammates are kicking soccer balls your way. It is your job to headbutt the balls by leaning either to the left or the right on the Balance Board. Here’s a picture.

But now here’s the twist. Some of the kids don’t even kick balls. Rather they throw shoes and panda heads, both of which are black and white so they are easy to mix up with the legit balls. And instead of headbutting these, you must dodge them to avoid brutal pain. And that’s where I realized I had a problem with this game.

I’m not here to yamble about consumerism (not again, anyways) since these kids seem to have so many disposable shoes to throw at me. And I’m not here to yamble about the environmental cruelty of ripping off panda hands and then throwing them at me. As I said earlier, I’m yambling because this game is promoting child abuse. Nintendo apparently is okay with kids getting hit in the head with shoes and panda heads. Sure, they’re not real people. But if I may take a philosophical trangression, who is to say that we people are any more real than Wii people? Miis have feelings too.

To make matters worse, the soccer coach on the right side of the screen does absolutely nothing about it!  I know PE teachers are generally heartless with their whole “rub some dirt on it” way of life, but these kids are throwing FRICKING PANDA HEADS! If he can’t even run over to you to check if you are okay, the least he could do is stop the game and kick the kids out that are throwing those strange objects. But no, you have to keep on playing until you run out of balls. Now I never joined any high school sports but I refuse to believe that practices were that cruel!

Some of you may think I’m posting this just because I suck at Wii Fit and I have no balance. Well you are wrong. I am seriously disappointed in Nintendo, who is known for its child friendly games (yay for capturing pets, keeping them in tiny balls, and forcing them to fight each other!) I know the Wii Fit Plus is soon going to come out. I just hope Nintendo has understood what they did wrong and removed this awful, awful game from this new version. Because child abuse is never funny. Unless it’s David after the dentist.

But here’s a scenario. What if more than one person bought those luggage tags? It’s not likely that even one person would be stupid enough to purchase one, but this is just a hypothetical. In fact, let’s say two people bought a set of those tags. And those two people happened to travel on the same flight. And those two people happen to have taken extremely similar looking bags, duplicates if you want to even go that far (I quote the words of Greg Focker: “Well don’t you think that the Samsonite people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, made more than one black suitcase?”). I think you see where I’m going with this. Both of these people come to baggage claim and identify what they think is their bag because it has the huge annoying tag that says “This is NOT your bag.” But it is only once they get home or to their hotel that they realize the truth of the tag…. it literally is NOT their bag. In fact, the person with the identical suitcase and tag happens to have the bag they need. Which puts them both in a giant pickle (that phrase makes no sense either, but we’ll save that for another time).

Here’s another scenario that’s not quite as likely but still possible. Let’s say someone purchases the tags, and that person happens to be really stupid. Or just takes things very literally. Or maybe he’s forgetful. Could be short term memory loss, but I’m not licensed to diagnose hypothetical people. Anyways this person arrives at the airport after his long flight, and when he goes to baggage claim he finds a bag with a tag that sas “This is NOT your bag.” Being the stupid/literal/forgetful/ADD person that he is, he is assured that this is NOT his bag. Even though the bag looks like his bag… it even has the same ketchup stain and rip in the lower left corner… it cannot be his bag because the tag CLEARLY says that it does not belong to him. So the man moves on and continues searching for his bag. Which he fails to accomplish. In the end he has to go to customer service, which takes the entire airline crew to finally convince him that the sole remaining suitcase on the conveyor belt is in fact his bag, despite what the tag may say. How embarrassing.

Now I’m sure you’re all thinking that these scenarios are too improbable to ever happen and you should not have to take them into consideration when thinking about investing in these interesting tags. My advice? It’s not worth it. Sure, maybe it’s not likely you’ll be on the same flight with someone with an identical suitcase and tag. And maybe you’re not that stupid, literal, forgetful, or just like to be a douchebag. But the real reason you shouldn’t waste your money on these tags? What is the chance that you won’t be able to identify your bag in the first place? I mean seriously, people.

And if you’re standing in a Triple B right now, noticing those very same tags, and reading this yambling in hope to get some insight… well then, you’re just as stupid as the person who can’t identify his own bag.

Me: Hi, my name is Danny. What’s yours?
TT: They call me Hell.
Me: That’s a pretty strange name.
TT: They call me Stacey.
Me: Oh nice. I know a few Staceys.
TT: They call me her.
Me: Well that makes sense. You are female.
TT: They call me Jane.
Me: Is that like your middle name or something?
TT: That’s not my name.
Me: Wait, then what’s your name?
TT: That’s not my name.
Me: Yeah I got that, but what’s your name.
TT: That’s not my name.
Me: THEN WHAT’S YOUR FUCKING NAME?
TT: That’s not my name.
Me: I don’t think we’ve got much chemistry.

Yeah, it wasn’t a very productive conversation. It was worse than the time I tried talking to Alanis Morisette. (“No, that is not irony! That just fricking sucks for that guy!”)

This then transitioned into a brief conversation about El Paso and what there was to do there. As you should also hopefully know, I lived in El Paso for eight years. So I consider myself an expert on this border city. One of the friends argued that all El Paso has to offer is drugs and shootings. I had to disagree, explaining that El Paso really has two sides to it: the rich suburban West Side and the not-as-rich East Side. I also argued that there is plenty of things to do in El Paso. This of course led my friend to ask me to share an example. I was speechless…. what was there to do in El Paso? After all, when I lived there I was only a kid. My after school activities involved tennis lessons at Coronado Country Club, piano lessons at White’s Music Box, and the Boy Scouts.

The only thing I could come up with is Chico’s Tacos. No one should ever take a trip to El Paso and leave without having a bite at Chico’s Tacos. Imagine this greasy Mexican dish buried…. yes, buried…. within a sauce. But enough about Chico’s Tacos. What else is there? As a kid there’s plenty of places to go…. the Insights Science Museum always one of my favorites. But if I were to visit now as a young adult, what would I do there?

So now I have made it my mission to answer that. Since I don’t live there any more, obviously I can’t do much first-hand research. But I do know that this post will get sent to Facebook, and a good percent of my Facebook friends live in that good ol’ city. So to mi amigos del paso del norte, what is there to do in El Paso? Comment below!

If you are reading this letter in a published format using an excessive number of juxtaposed typefaces, that means I now have control of the future of the planet. How did I end up obtaining it? Perhaps it was YouTube propaganda that led me to combine every country into a single-party state. Maybe Obama, Netanyahu, and I were playing poker and he lost… badly. Or maybe it’s the fact that Jews cause global warming, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I now have possession of the world and there is nothing you can do to stop me. There is good news, and it has nothing to do with saving 15% or more on car insurance. I am willing to return earth to the people, but I have a few demands that must be met.

1. I want the recipe for every Jamba Juice flavor that has ever existed. Including the classics that they no longer put on the menu. Including all the secret menu flavors, especially White Gummi Bear.

2. MTV must cancel all of their reality shows and play music. I would think that’s a fairly simple request, and it would do so much good for the world. Especially those girls on The Hills. Finally we can see if they can function without a camera on their faces. Oh wait, I guess we won’t see them, will we?

3. Pepsi needs to return to their old logo. This new minimalist crap sucks. There is no reason why I need to think of Obama’s “Yes We Can” or “Change We Can Believe In” while drinking a nice refreshing cola. And while they’re reverting all their label designs, theys should fix up that Mountain Dew formula. It used to taste good. But now it tastes like fizzy urine (not that I’ve ever drinken fizzy urine).

4. Miley Cyrus must finally admit that she’s not real, but her alter-ego Hannah Montana is. Everyone knows the whole thing is just a conspiracy… or should I say marketing campaign. At some point Disney is gonna come out with a movie in which she reveals that she was just a double agent; Hannah was simply playing a girl named Miley to cover up the fact that she is actually Hannah, but her cover up is Hannah to just confuse everyone.

5. I demand a new Macbook with a Firewire port. I am a filmmaker, and I deserve to be able to edit my video footage on a new aluminum laptop at a decent consumer price. I’m not blaming Steve Jobs for this one since I doubt it was his decision to phase out Firewire. But whoever is fucking with Apple’s computers needs to sent to the guillotine.

6. I want Susan Boyle to serenade me to sleep every night. Think she knows any Yiddish lullabies? If not, she’ll learn some. On a similar note, I want the Flight of the Conchords to wake me up every morning.

7. The entire public school system must be overthrown and recreated from scratch. Eliminate standardarized testing. Hell, eliminate state standards completely. What good is knowing the year the Magna Carta was signed if you don’t even need to know what the document was about? If you want to know my complete vision for an ideal school system, maybe I’ll save that for another time.

8. California must recede from the United States. Then California will annex all the other states into its new nation. The capital of the United States of California will be Ojai, and the national food will be Ojai Pizza. Puerto Rico and Guam will also become states. Texas is exempt from joining as I fear a huge Texas/California civil war. Canada may join in if they feel like it, but I will demand fresh maple syrup from them every morning.

9.  Every single human being needs to admit that The Office is not funny. Enough said.

10. Ten million dollars would do me nicely as well. Actually the dollar has no value these days, does it? I’ll take the equivalant of such money in euros.

Should these conditions not be met, the people of the world will face harsh consequences. Like an annual fee to use Facebook. Or 5 High School Musical movies a year. Or everyone will be forced to lose the game every single second of their lives (by the way, you just lost the game). The choice is yours, world. Think about it.

With love,
Danny Zeff

P.S. If you are not reading this letter in a published format using an excessive number of juxtaposed typefaces, but rather you just happen to be browsing my blog, feel free to kindly disregard the entire note. And have a good day.

This season of Scrubs has been extremely experimental. It’s not even subtle. Especially if you’ve read up on what’s been happening with the production of the show. It’s Zach Braff’s last season with the show, but there’s talk that it might go on without him. So almost every episode this season has had some sort of focus on the interns, introducing and developing the different new characters. The producers (or perhaps ABC) is so into this experiment that they’ve creative short webisodes at ABC.com that star the interns. Guess what it’s called? [Interns]. With the brackets and everything. Meanwhile the producers want to see how the audience reacts to each of those interns to see if next year they could carry on Sacred Heart Hospital as the main characters.

And from tonight’s episodes I really doubt that.  Tonight’s first episode was called “My Absence” which was basically what the title says. J.D. is on vacation and Dr. Cox is relieved while Elliot misses him so much that she obsesses about him throughout the entire episode. And even though there’s plenty of plot in those 22 minutes between the other plethora of characters, it just isn’t much of an episode without J.D.’s flashbacks or narration (although he is constantly on Elliot’s speakerphone giving a few comments and finally making his philosophical monologue at the end of the episode even though he probably had no clue what was going on in the hospital). If this is the type of style we would have to expect for future seasons, then I see this show jumping the shark after the first episode of season 9.

There were two things I did like. I’m glad they finally put Sunny in an episode. Sunny Day is the main character of the [Interns] webisodes, where she takes her camcorder with her to document her life at the hospital (in college she double majored in pre-med and film). I was wondering when she would be in a TV episode, or if she was exclusively in the online series. She has a cute and energetic personality, but I wonder if she sounds too much like the Fun Size Intern (now Resident).

My other favorite thing was seeing the return of Stephanie Gooch played by Kate Micucci, who I immediately fell in love with after seeing her in last week’s show. I do not know a lot of ukulele-playing actors who attended Loyola Marymount Univeresity (which I just applied to) but she rules them all. When I am a famous filmmaker, I want to place her in every single one of my movies. And she will play ukulele, even if it is in a completely irrelevant scene. Ted deserved something nice for once, and I’m glad she was what he got.

The second episode, “My Comedy Show” was far better. Actually it’s been a trend all season that the second episode shown each Tuesday is better than the first. I’ve noticed that the first episode tends to focus on the interns, while the second episode tens to focus on the drama between the original 4 characters. The best thing about it was that Laverne made a short cameo… in a flashback that supposedly took place 7 years earlier. Unfortunately there was no Kate Micucci in this one. So maybe it wasn’t all that great.

Overall this week was a downer for Scrubs. Better not do that again to me next week, ABC!

1. First off, 2008 was the year I created Yamblings. After I wrote a piece on my opinion of Valentines Day and why I was so confused, I felt inspired to write more. I needed a place on my website just to say whatever the hell I wanted. Thus I created this blog. Even though I didn’t actively yamble all that much in 2008, I hope to do some weekly posting in 2009.

2. Senior year! Last year of high school! So amazing! Or so I thought it would be. I’m not particularly fond of any my classes. IB English is the most pointless class in the world. Even more than Theory of Knowledge, which I thought I would love but now love to hate (actually I hate to hate it, but so it goes).  Environmental systems has good intentions, but it could so easily just be a one-year class. Pre-calculus is unnecessary, but I take it anyways just to fill up that math slot. Even advanced drama seems to be lacking something… although I remember last year there were also times when I didn’t really want to be in the class while other times I absolutely loved it. I guess the only good and interesting class if Global Studies. I’m doing better than I thought I would in that one.

3. So that explained high school in terms of classes. In terms of social life, that’s different. I guess I can say that I started hanging with my current friends in 2007, but I really got to know them all in 2008. I’m going to talk a lot more about the friends I have made later in the year (as we will soon be parting… but let’s not think about that yet!!!!) but I am just really happy that I now have the friends that I do. Even though I don’t hang out with them outside of school as much as I wish I would, all that can change. It’s all part of my resolutions, which I’ll explain later. And of course, how can I not thank everyone for voting me as homecoming king? That was a huge honor that I will never forget. I still think the homecoming royalty thing is a big joke. But I am glad that I could be the center of that big joke… and in a good way.

4. College apps. Oh, how I love you so. At this point I only have one university left to apply to. Two simple essays, and I’ll be done. 2008 was a year filled with SATs, SAT IIs, the Common App, letters of rec, campus touring, and university website browsing. I’m just glad I avoided the ACT and I was not eligible to take the TOEFL. I want to thank all those different universities and organizations for sending me all that junk. I’m going to have a very nice bonfire later in the year. I hope that the university I really want to go to let’s me in (I was going to say the name but then I realized that another college that I am applying to may be reading this too). College better be worth it after all those letters.

5. Here is something unique. 2008 was the first year since 1997 or something that I was not in a play. Since 1997, I had always participated in something at Kids-N-Company, whether it was their theatre camp or one of their legit productions. Then came high school and I was in various things there, gaining my reputation as a theatre kid. 2007 was the year I was in two of the most interesting shows I have been in: Sorta, which I don’t think I will ever experience anything like ever again, and The Breakfast Club, which as Andy pointed out to me lacked all the dope found in the movie. So in 2008 it was weird how I was in nothing. Of course, there’s reasons why: USY got in the way. Still it makes me sad. Especially now that I’m not in Soto’s 2009 spring production, I realize that theatre as a hobby has possibly come to an end.

6. Speaking of USY, a lot happened this year in USY for me! It was only at the end of last year that I truly found friends in my region… New Frontier! Well, 2008 was significant because I ended my term as chapter religious education vice president and became regional religious education vice president. Yes, big steps. I feel I have come along way since being that shy boy from Texas at my first Fall Kinnus. The region is now my domain, and I have friends from all over NorCal (and Reno). USY, what would I do without you? I wouldn’t be listening to hyphy, that’s for sure.

7. This was the year that Film Club at my school both started and abandoned Club Soda. For those that don’t follow my life moment by moment, Club Soda was a mockumentary project we were working on that showcases bizarre clubs (Yiddish Cursing Club, OCD Club, Young Bull Moose Supporters of America, Nuts for Peanuts, etc.) at a strange high school. I have to say that every time I read the script, I crack up. It truly is a masterpiece. It is such a shame we couldn’t finish it. But, just like I promised beforehand, once I’m a professional filmmaker I will return to Mira Loma and film this movie with professional equipment and professional child actors. The real students can be background extras… I guess… maybe…

8 This summer was a sad chapter of my life. To put it pretty frankly, I had an awful experience working as a counselor at Camp Ramah in California. Oh, I loved being a counselor. Little kids are awesome. I have no shame in saying that. And I finally got to be what I had always looked up to as a camper. I finally got to play my music, do my activities, and call my shots. Unfortunately, socially it sucked. I don’t know what happened. It started out good. Then all of sudden, it seemed like every counselor was hooking up with each other… and I was left out. Everyone seems hella cliquey. Well, not everyone. Not the people I hung out with. And I’m glad those people were there. There’s something magical about Ramah that truly makes me agree with the statement “Ein Makom B’alom k’Machaneh Ramah.” On the morning I had to leave when I was receiving goodbye hugs, I really wanted to come back next summer despite the numerous times I felt alone and depressed. I guess in the end the good stuff outweighed the bad. I still do kinda wanna go back, if only just for the few people that I made good friends with. But not for 9 weeks. If there’s any job opportunities available for just one session… even if it’s Gesher… I’m all there. Otherwise, it looks like my 8-year life with Ramah has ended.

9. On a much happier note, 2008 was the year I had my first kiss! First make out session to put it specifically. Or “hook up” as we USYers call it. What a great sensation. I don’t need to go into detail. If you were at IC and you’re in New Frontier, you know what happened. You probably witnessed it. If you go to my school, I’ll tell you in person. If you’re someone else, IM me and I’ll tell you the good stuff. The point is, it happened. My year-long goal was complete. So what if it was just a hook-up without a romantic feeling whatsoever? Nobody’s perfect. I guess my vision that my first kiss would be at Ramah late at night in the ampitheater is also now invalid.

10. There is no #10. I just like nice round numbers like that. Okay, #10 can be devoted to smaller things that don’t need a whole paragraph to be described: Obama was elected president, I started loving egg salad, Burn After Reading hit theaters, so did The Dark Knight, a bunch of people starting subscribing to my YouTube account, I’m becoming more and more distant from my “twin sister”, I bought a Nintendo Wii, and then some.

So that was 2008 for me. Now here is 2009. Just like I have said every year, this year will be epic. Except this year I know it truly will be epic. Graduation. Moving onto college. No more state quarters. Whatever shall we do? I’ve made four resolutions that I hope to carry out:

• Boost self-esteem
• Boost self-confidence
• Overcome self-consciousness
• Party hard

I know these seem kind of vague and general, but these are my goals. I realize I am a little shy. A little unsocial. And I think in 2008 I was really negative and complained a lot. I want to change that. In 2009 I’m going to be much more positive. I’m going to think better about myself. So once I am in college, I won’t be overworried about making friends. It will just naturally happen. That’s my ultimate goal. And get a girlfriend, perhaps. But I’ll save that for later in the year. Also, if you notice careful, they can be put in an acronym: BBOP (pronounced bebop). That makes it easy to remember as I go through life.

So look out 2009! I’m about to come BBOPing through!

Anyhoo, I want to talk about the most famous person in the world. No not Jesus Christ. Or Ronald McDonald. I’m talking about good ol’ St. Nick. Santa Claus. Chris Chringle. The fat man (not Mr. Sullivan!). I have some issues with him. Well maybe not him specifically, but the image that he has given off to the world. Basically, he’s just a terrible role model to society.

I jumped to this conclusion when a Jewish girl I know told me that a friend had asked her in school if she believed in Santa Claus. The Jewish girl said no, so the non-Jewish girl told her, “If you don’t believe, you don’t receive.” Here’s my most utterly honest response: What a little bitch! But hearing this story made me realize that most kids nowadays believe that every year a man in red pajamas who ought to try Jenny Craig is going to climb down their chimney and give them a bunch of presents. You can ask for anything you want ahead a time by sending him a letter or sitting on his lap at the local mall. And it’s all for free… all you have to do is leave out some milk and cookies if you’re kind enough! Santa Claus is a bad role model because it teaches kids to want, want, want, and then they’ll receive, receive, receive. Santa tells kids that it is okay to whine and ask for stuff without having to work for it, and chances are they will receive it as long as they are not on the “naughty list”. Furthermore, it teaches kids to become consumerists… which will ultimately lead them to believe that it’s okay to kill 3 people just to get discounted items after Thanksgiving.

However, there is a solution! We don’t have to give Santa an extreme makeover (Pimp My Claus?) . We don’t even have to change the story of A Visit from St. Nick (the awesome poem also known as The Night Before Christmas). We just need to do some slight tuning so that it’s not all about receiving presents. Instead, we need to emphasize to kids how compassionate Santa is to give presents to everyone in the world, a daunting task for an old man to do on just one night once a year. Then kids will realize the true meaning of Christmas is not about receiving, it’s about giving. Hmm… didn’t A Christmas Carol already cover that? And basically every other Christmas television special known to man? I guess it hasn’t sunken in yet.

So for XMAS:2K8, I think we need to revamp Santa. Tell kids that they too could be Santa… and it doesn’t require being a jolly red giant who lives in the North Pole. Instead, giving to your friends, family, and anyone that you think could use some seasons greeting is what makes you a true St. Nicholas.

Then it occurred to me that by staring at her shorts, I was in fact staring at her ass shake back and forth as she walked. I quickly glanced away, being the gentleman that I am, but I was still baffled by the word.

I came to the conclusion that whatever the word was that was on the shorts, it definitely was not a real word. Instead, it is purposely meant to confuse anyone who chooses to walk behind the girl (either out of coincidence or because he is a stalker). And while the confused stalker is trying to figure out what the word is, he has no choice but to stare at her ass… even without thinking about it. So if the girl happens to turn around, she’ll notice a creepy guy staring at her ass and call him a pervert. She knows this would happen because this why she chose to wear the shorts, but of course she has to pretend not to know this in order to mess with this guy’s mind. Very tricky of you, dancer girl and your dance shorts!

So that was the day I was scheduled to get my braces taken off, after a painful two years of harsh brushing and flossing (the latter of which I probably did about 10 times total).  I wanted it to be a complete surprise so I told nobody about it. However during second period I told my friend Yosup that I would be leaving during the next period but I couldn’t tell him why, but he would soon find out.

I had to leave at 10:30 from school to get to the orthodonist. Third period: I was sitting in my Global Studies class listening to a lecture on World War I… although I wasn’t really listening as much as wondering when some person from the attendance office would come bring the slip of paper that would excuse me from class. At about 10:35 someone finally came in and handed Mr. Thompson a paper, assumingly the one that would let me leave. However without even looking at it, Thompson grabbed it and kept on lecturing. I thought he was going to speak until a break point, look at the paper, and then hand it to me but NOOOOO. He kept on talking and talking. And the whole time I was looking at his hand which was now crumbling the paper and ending up hidden in his fist. So now I was worried. I needed to leave but I didn’t want to interrupt him in the middle of the lecture. That’s called awkwardness. Finally at 10:45 I knew I really needed to leave. So I just got up and left. Mr. Thompson didn’t say anything, thank goodness. But after I left the classroom I just bolted towards my mom’s van to get on my way… not even stopping to say hi to Pratik and Pepper who wanted to chat.

So I got my braces off. That was quick and easy. And I picked a retainer with a watermelon design on it. It’s legit. Nuff said about that.

I get back to school and I see there’s a police car and several newstation vans surrounding the front of the school. A few people are being interviewed and I have no idea what is going on. Did someone get arrested? Did Pi Day come early this year? Then I find out that someone at school attempted to commit suicide. I’d rather not go into details with that since Yamblings is not a serious blog, but I think the KCRA news team would like to elaborate for you.

So it seems my friends made some connections. All of last week I was really down because I was so stressed out for numerous reasons. Then I told Yosup how I would be leaving and then I just leave randomly during third period. So there seems to have been some conclusion that I too had commited suicide… I know, not a laughing matter. But apparently there was some laughter. Hahaha. Glad to get that out of my system. But no I did not commit suicide nor was I involved with the suicide that happened. I know I left at almost the exact same time that the event occured, but it is completely coincidental.

Just want to make that clear.

Hygiene.

When I was a counselor for the kids between 8 and 10 years old, the bunks that we lived in had a connecting bathroom. And that’s when I noticed how unsanitary little boys are. Being too lazy to wash hands is one thing. But not flushing the toilet? What do they think this is? A gas station restroom? No! This is a semi-private summer camp bathroom! There was one time where I witnessed a kid going straight from the stall back to his bed to go to sleep… no wiping, no flushing, no washing. Disturbing.

Luckily I learned some rhymes while I was there that next time I’ll have to inforce a lot better. You can learn these too:

1. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie.
2. Do not rush. Always flush.
3. Be a man. Wash your hands.

I was invited by my friend to join this application called Owned. I also hesitate to join any app because I think I use too many but I finally decided to give in. The idea behind this app is that you can buy your friend for a certain amount of virtual money and that increases his value. But then other people can outbid you and buy your friend for a higher price.

So it started out that one of my close friends bought me for $1. Later that day I saw that some random person bought me for more. And then a second random person bought me.  And then a third random person bought me. Then just about an hour ago I saw that the second random person has bought me again. I looked at some of his other “purchases” and saw that he “owns” a lot of young males ranging from 16 to 28. And that really freaks me out. I can’t look at his profile but I can see a picture of him: a guy in his mid-30s or mid-40s with a mustache. That spells pedophile. And now I’m creeped out.

I suppose I could just remove the app. But I know he can’t look at my profile. Let’s see how this plays out.

1. At approximately midnight I went to bed.
2. I woke up. It occurred to me it was my birthday.
3. I showered, got dressed, and put my contact lenses in.
4. On my way to school I had a Go-gurt and OJ for breakfast (the juice, not Simpson!).
5. I took my English final. It was overwhelming at first but I eased my way into it and wrote for the win. It was very different from any other final I’ve taken so far and looking back I enjoyed it.
6. I had a 15-minute break although it felt like 5.
7. I had my PE final. That meant that I sat in the gym for 2 hours (weight room for maybe 20 minutes) doing various stuff. Womble and I wrote some odes: an ode to fire alarms, an ode to odes, and an ode to the iPod. Then we played cards. It was the last time ever that I will have to wear that PE uniform. Thank God.
8. After school I bought the Student Music and Recording Project (SMARP) CD. Actually I asked for it at a discount since I helped make it, and a copy was slipped into my arms. I shouldn’t have revealed that.
9. While waiting for my ride I played cards with sophomores.
10. For lunch I ate at Sonic, my first time in three years. I had a Fritos Chili Cheese wrap and a watermelon slushie. Delicious.
11. I went into Fry’s Electronics to purchase a Wii (half gift/half my own purchase). Unfortunately they were out. So then I called other stores and everyone was out. That was the only disappointing thing of the day. At Target, I bought three games for the Wii (Galaxy, Kart, Brawl) but alas I have nothing to play them on. I will have to order the cosnsole online.
12. I saw Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull or whatever it’s called. It was a good movie, though the whole alien thing was weird.
13. I stepped into Best Buy as a last chance to see if they had the Wii. They did not, but I got to play Mario Kart Wii on the demo they had.
14. When I got home and went online, I saw I had 50+ wall posts from people wishing me a happy birthday. That is definitely the best birthday present ever.
15. I was so happy I logged onto my own website and wrote this post.

And that is all. I hope you enjoyed!

And now that I have seen it I will do my review. It was not all that bad. It documented the senior year of five kids in a high school in Warsaw, Illinois. Each kid was a completely different stereotype: the brain, the athlete, the princess, the criminal, and the basketcase. Okay actually the criminal and the basketcase were sort of combined into one thing: the rebel. And a new stereotype was added: the heartthrob. The poster promises that “before the year was over, they broke the rules, bared their souls, and changed in ways they never dreamed possible.” However I don’t recall any of that. As far as I could tell, they remained in their stereotypes throughout the year and did not really change until college. Sure they interacted with each other every now and then, but overall they kept to their own cliques. The movie was not really something to laugh with but rather to laugh at. That is because, unlike the characters in The Breakfast Club, it is hard to sympathize with these characters. Each one breaks up with a boyfriend/girlfriend or has a fight with a close friend. But I can’t feel sorry for them because they all go crazy for superficial reasons. Then again, Brian Johnson did try to commit suicide because he failed a project in woodshop. But Brian’s a funny guy. The geek in this movie is not. And neither are the other people. There were a few good laughs because of their stupidity, but honestly I lost interest about an hour into the movie.

Something I question is the truth of this movie. We all know that reality television is definitely scripted. I find it hard to believe that American Teen is not. How could have these kids actually allowed cameramen to follow them around for an entire year? And it’s not just at school…. you see scenes of the kids driving in cars, talking with parents, eating at restaurants, and more. And did they start filming in the beginning of the year hoping that the actions of the kids would develop into a plot? There’s one scene where the rebel girl is watching TV on the couch and she suddenly receives a text message (the heartthrob has decided to breakup with her). And by coincidence someone was filming her at the same time. Right… Then there’s another scene where a picture of topless girl is e-mailed to multiple people. So apparently they predicted where the e-mails would be sent and they had cameras stationed at each household. Something fishy’s going on.

I can’t say I came out of the movie learning something new. As I said before, I don’t think any of the five kids really learned anything either… until the left high school for good. I was discussing with friends and we agree that I’m somewhere between the geek and the rebel. I guess I’m an inbetween.

I’m not against the LGBT community. Not at all. But I don’t think they need a national protest of silence… especially not year after year. Especially when there’s so much else to protest about (remember that regular unleaded gas has risen to nearly $4 a gallon?). So forget the Day of Silence. Let’s have a Day of Noise. Bring your boom box to school, crank it up, and make some noise!

I know for sure that there’s zero chance I’d end up in Slytherin. We all know that Slythern only contains full-blood British white upper-class Christian children whose parents worship the Dark Lord. I always imagined myself being a half-blood American wizard, and being Jewish doesn’t help either. And as much as I like snakes, I can live without them. I’ve heard that in the years after Harry defeated Voldemort the house is less “pure this pure that.” But you know once a mudblood hater, always a mudblood hater. So I think I’ll skip Slytherin.

Usually when I fill out those online polls about which house to place you in, I’m put in Gryffindor. I know that it’s the best house, since it’s where Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore and Fred Weasley all came from… or at least the books are biased enough to convince me it’s the best. But I don’t see myself as the right type of person for Gryffindor. That house is all about bravery. And I’m not that brave. Hell, I’m usually too scared to make phone calls to people. If I can’t do that, how do they expect me to battle dragons and let fire come from the end of my wand? Plus, without Harry or Oliver Weasley, their Quidditch isn’t really that great. So as much as I’d be honored to be part of Gryffindor, I’d turn it down also.

Ravenclaw looks like it would suit me the best. It’s full of all the smart kids. In fact I bet it’s like the IB program of Hogwarts. Which means we’d only hang out with one another rarely socializing with kids from other houses. I wonder if Ravenclaw kids are offered advanced honors classes, like Honors Potions or APHOM (Advanced Placement History of Magic). It sounds like that would be my kind of house. Of course perhaps that would mean my life would have to totally be devoted to my studies. Would I not have any time for extracurricular activities or weekend trips to Hogsmeade? That’s no fun. Still, I think Ravenclaw would be my best choice.

And then of course there is Hufflepuff. Supposedly they represent hard working, loyal students. But in reality, and even the Sorting Hat agrees, people who end up in Hufflepuff are the kids that are neither stuck-up (Slytherin), brave (Gryffindor), or smart (Ravenclaw). They’re the ones that are just there. I’d be insulted if I was placed in Hufflepuff. I’d just drop out of the school right then and there. Not to mention their animal is a badger. A badger? Please. Who’d want a badger representing themselves? Yeah, that’s just not for me.

As I said before, I think Ravenclaw would be my best choice. On second thought, I’d rather just stay in public school.

You got to agree with me that Jewish girls have good names. Their names sound pretty and are easier to remember. Sarah, Rebecca, Leah, Ruth, Miri, Samantha, Jessica, Shanon, Sharon, Hannah, Deborah, Elizabeth, Rachel….. that last one must be the most common name ever. Ever notice how if you walk into a room full of a hundred Jewish girls and you call out for Rachel, there will always be at least one that responds? Actually I don’t think I have ever walked into a room filled solely with Jewish girls. But if I did, I’d enjoy it. Lots.

My point is I like Jewish girls because of their names. You can call me crazy, or meshuganah if you’re in the right mood. But just think about it a little. Now who’s the meshuganah one?

I wouldn’t say I hate Valentines Day. I could argue that it’s a Christian holiday therefore as a Jew I shouldn’t celebrate it. But as I said before, Hallmark owns the holiday so it doesn’t really belong to any religion at all. It’s actually quite a joyous occasion. Everyone wears red and pink and salmon and maroon and basically every other shade of red that Crayola has tried to patent (there’s capitalism again). There’s a huge distribution of candy hearts that have little messages on them, and every year they seem to get more up to date with the times; ten years ago I may have gotten one that says KISS ME and now I get hearts that say EMAIL ME. There’s so much love in the air that who could possibly imagine that at the same time we’re at war in Iraq or a mass genocide is occurring in Sudan.

And of course Valentines Day is the time when you’re obligated to love your beloved, as if you despise them the other 364 days of the year (this year it would be 365 other days). Even though I see couples together all the time, this is the day they really stand out. And it’s Valentines Day that makes the average single person feel left out. Someone like me.

Another Valentines Day will come and go and I will still be without a girlfriend. I’ve been trying to tell myself I don’t mind. After all, there is an extremely low chance that my true love would be someone at a poorly-funded public high school called “Seeing a Hill” when translated into English. It’s a school full of shiksas, and no nice Jewish boy would want to end up with one of those. However, despite what I tell myself, I constantly wish I could be with a girl. It used to be that I wanted what we label as a “girlfriend.” But after a week-long international convention with my youth group, I realize that it’s not so much that I want a girlfriend but really I just want to hook up with someone. Or to put it in the words I once described to someone, “I want to get inside someone’s mouth.” I’m not looking to lose my virginity nor do I want to impregnate someone (not yet anyhoo) but it would be nice to have that first kiss.

I don’t know why I have such difficulty in this subject. Perhaps it’s my extreme shyness. Maybe it’s because I never had a sister so I’ve never really been that close to girls. It could be because I type long essays on the subject with elongated sophisticated vocabulary like this. Whatever it is, I have tended to notice I am uncomfortable around girls. At this convention that I spoke of earlier, we had a dance and people were pressuring me to hook up with this one girl. I really wanted to, but I couldn’t find the right moment or the comfortableness to do so. I actually blame it on the DJ playing terrible music, but most of it was that I was downright scared. However it’s probably good that I didn’t hook up with her as she is a family friend who I usually see at least once a week. It could have been completely awkward. Feel free to do an awkward turtle as you read this.

In my youth group, the idea is to hook up with as many girls as possible. There’s a whole points system to it, and people are worth a certain amount of points based on what kind of leadership position they have in the group. I don’t like this idea of making out with dozens of anonymous girls (wait…. yes I do), but rather I’d prefer to stick to girls I really like. And I do mean like. At times I’ve tried to call it “love” or “in love” but I realize it’s really only a like. I’ve had a number of crushes, but it seems that with all of the “huge” crushes I have approached them completely wrong.

I don’t understand how guys and girls come together and all of a sudden they become boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t know if like the guy asks the girl, “Hey, you want to be my girlfriend” and the girl is like “Yeah okay” and then they hug and kiss each other for a few weeks until the guy realizes that he doesn’t really like the girl and then tears ensue from both of them for a couple of days onward. That sounds so simple, yet I just can’t do that. It doesn’t make sense to me. So with all of these crushes I have kept my thoughts on, I have been unable to enter that process of becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s simply because I don’t know how.

I used to try to approach crushes by telling them indirectly that I like them. Two years ago on Valentines Day I did something that I now completely regret. I know that the girl that it involves knows that I did it, so I have no shame in talking about it even though I’m not revealing what it was that I did. Let’s just say I’m very embarrassed about it and if I could turn back time and change any moment of my life, I would stop myself from doing what I did. Also I know now that rhyming in the ABAB pattern is anything but romantic. And if that same girl is reading this right now, hello to you good madam.

Now what happens to me is I go through several stages of symptoms. And by summer 2007 when I was in Israel and crushing once again, I was able to recognize what these stages were. And it seems that they happen every time I start to crush on a girl. It starts with me meeting the girl. Usually I see her before actually meet her, but once I get into a fun conversation with her I begin to question whether or not I like her. It becomes denial; no of course I don’t like her. She’s just a girl with a nice personality. More recently it’s become, “Shit, I hope this isn’t a new crush. I don’t want to go through these stages again. Please don’t let me like her!” When I finally accept that I like her, I try to stay close to her. If I’ve become friends with her, I may try to join a conversation that she is in with a group of friends. I’ll wave when I pass by her or maybe I’ll give her a compliment. Then I try to figure out if she likes me back. Probably in the case of most of my crushes the answer is no, but at the time it always seems like yes. I think any guy can agree with me that we think about absolutely everything girls say to us, trying to figure out the deeper meaning. If the girl I like says she likes my shoes, then I interpret that as a flirty comment. At some point I am convinced that she likes me back.

At this point I reach the happiest moment of the stages; it’s the peak of the mountain before a huge downfall. I’m constantly thinking about the girl, unable to concentrate on the task at hand in reality. I start to think about how I could actually tell this girl that I like her without making the same mistakes that I have made in the past. Soon I conclude that she doesn’t really like me back, or if she does, she lost that lovely thought. Instead of trying to be with her all the time, I try to avoid being alone with her to avoid awkwardness (throw in an awkward moose if you want). I know that she doesn’t like me and that I’m too uncomfortable to say that I like her, so a stage of depression kicks in. Sometimes the depression is added to when another guy, obviously better looking than me and with a more outgoing personality, decides to steal my crush from me. There’s nothing I can do about it as I know I had my chance to make a move. And that’s what keeps me depressed for several days, or sometimes even a few weeks. At some point I finally get over the crush, usually because I start liking another girl. Yet the old girl is always in my mind, and I never see her in the same light again.

Honestly, I don’t get girls. I understand that the only real difference between them and us guy is that they lack a Y chromosome. And also they have boobs. And a vagina. Often they have small feet. But emotionally they seem so complex. A friend today argued that they are simple, but no. They are complex. I do like girls. A lot. They are pretty little things (I say that metaphorically as I would never objectify a woman). And for me it’s not so much about looks as it is personality…. although I do prefer cute-looking girls over fat sluts that really should wear shorts that go past their knees. But girls in general can be confusing when it comes to stuff like relationships.

So alas I remain alone. I fear that I may remain alone until college, or worse yet I may become a real 40-year-old virgin. Let’s hope I do get that confidence boost at some point though. Until then, I suppose I will continue looking at pictures of girls I have befriended on MySpace and photoshopping my face over their boyfriends. No, I don’t really do that. Not the latter part at least. Well, thanks for reading this epic rant that is probably longer than the average IB extended essay. Have a happy Valentines Day and don’t stop thinking about that genocide in Sudan!