This is NOT Your Bag
I was shopping at The Triple B (Bed, Bath, Beyond) on dorm-related business when I noticed some unusual luggage tags. There was a package of 6 tags in different colors which each had this message: “This is NOT your bag.” At first, one might wonder why anyone would waste their money on such pessimistic labeling. But a few seconds later it all makes sense. If you’ve just arrived in the airport after a million bajillion-hour flight from who knows where, of course you’re going to be too tired to spot your luggage at the baggage claim. These brightly labeled bags not only make it easy for you to find your bag, it also CLEARLY informs people that the bag does not belong to them. So there is zero chance that anyone else would take home your bag, leaving you stranded in your dirty clothing that is filled with Coke and barf stains (courtesy of the screaming baby that sat next to you during the flight).
But here’s a scenario. What if more than one person bought those luggage tags? It’s not likely that even one person would be stupid enough to purchase one, but this is just a hypothetical. In fact, let’s say two people bought a set of those tags. And those two people happened to travel on the same flight. And those two people happen to have taken extremely similar looking bags, duplicates if you want to even go that far (I quote the words of Greg Focker: “Well don’t you think that the Samsonite people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, made more than one black suitcase?”). I think you see where I’m going with this. Both of these people come to baggage claim and identify what they think is their bag because it has the huge annoying tag that says “This is NOT your bag.” But it is only once they get home or to their hotel that they realize the truth of the tag…. it literally is NOT their bag. In fact, the person with the identical suitcase and tag happens to have the bag they need. Which puts them both in a giant pickle (that phrase makes no sense either, but we’ll save that for another time).
Here’s another scenario that’s not quite as likely but still possible. Let’s say someone purchases the tags, and that person happens to be really stupid. Or just takes things very literally. Or maybe he’s forgetful. Could be short term memory loss, but I’m not licensed to diagnose hypothetical people. Anyways this person arrives at the airport after his long flight, and when he goes to baggage claim he finds a bag with a tag that sas “This is NOT your bag.” Being the stupid/literal/forgetful/ADD person that he is, he is assured that this is NOT his bag. Even though the bag looks like his bag… it even has the same ketchup stain and rip in the lower left corner… it cannot be his bag because the tag CLEARLY says that it does not belong to him. So the man moves on and continues searching for his bag. Which he fails to accomplish. In the end he has to go to customer service, which takes the entire airline crew to finally convince him that the sole remaining suitcase on the conveyor belt is in fact his bag, despite what the tag may say. How embarrassing.
Now I’m sure you’re all thinking that these scenarios are too improbable to ever happen and you should not have to take them into consideration when thinking about investing in these interesting tags. My advice? It’s not worth it. Sure, maybe it’s not likely you’ll be on the same flight with someone with an identical suitcase and tag. And maybe you’re not that stupid, literal, forgetful, or just like to be a douchebag. But the real reason you shouldn’t waste your money on these tags? What is the chance that you won’t be able to identify your bag in the first place? I mean seriously, people.
And if you’re standing in a Triple B right now, noticing those very same tags, and reading this yambling in hope to get some insight… well then, you’re just as stupid as the person who can’t identify his own bag.
