World Ransom Note
Dear World,
If you are reading this letter in a published format using an excessive number of juxtaposed typefaces, that means I now have control of the future of the planet. How did I end up obtaining it? Perhaps it was YouTube propaganda that led me to combine every country into a single-party state. Maybe Obama, Netanyahu, and I were playing poker and he lost… badly. Or maybe it’s the fact that Jews cause global warming, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I now have possession of the world and there is nothing you can do to stop me. There is good news, and it has nothing to do with saving 15% or more on car insurance. I am willing to return earth to the people, but I have a few demands that must be met.
1. I want the recipe for every Jamba Juice flavor that has ever existed. Including the classics that they no longer put on the menu. Including all the secret menu flavors, especially White Gummi Bear.
2. MTV must cancel all of their reality shows and play music. I would think that’s a fairly simple request, and it would do so much good for the world. Especially those girls on The Hills. Finally we can see if they can function without a camera on their faces. Oh wait, I guess we won’t see them, will we?
3. Pepsi needs to return to their old logo. This new minimalist crap sucks. There is no reason why I need to think of Obama’s “Yes We Can” or “Change We Can Believe In” while drinking a nice refreshing cola. And while they’re reverting all their label designs, theys should fix up that Mountain Dew formula. It used to taste good. But now it tastes like fizzy urine (not that I’ve ever drinken fizzy urine).
4. Miley Cyrus must finally admit that she’s not real, but her alter-ego Hannah Montana is. Everyone knows the whole thing is just a conspiracy… or should I say marketing campaign. At some point Disney is gonna come out with a movie in which she reveals that she was just a double agent; Hannah was simply playing a girl named Miley to cover up the fact that she is actually Hannah, but her cover up is Hannah to just confuse everyone.
5. I demand a new Macbook with a Firewire port. I am a filmmaker, and I deserve to be able to edit my video footage on a new aluminum laptop at a decent consumer price. I’m not blaming Steve Jobs for this one since I doubt it was his decision to phase out Firewire. But whoever is fucking with Apple’s computers needs to sent to the guillotine.
6. I want Susan Boyle to serenade me to sleep every night. Think she knows any Yiddish lullabies? If not, she’ll learn some. On a similar note, I want the Flight of the Conchords to wake me up every morning.
7. The entire public school system must be overthrown and recreated from scratch. Eliminate standardarized testing. Hell, eliminate state standards completely. What good is knowing the year the Magna Carta was signed if you don’t even need to know what the document was about? If you want to know my complete vision for an ideal school system, maybe I’ll save that for another time.
8. California must recede from the United States. Then California will annex all the other states into its new nation. The capital of the United States of California will be Ojai, and the national food will be Ojai Pizza. Puerto Rico and Guam will also become states. Texas is exempt from joining as I fear a huge Texas/California civil war. Canada may join in if they feel like it, but I will demand fresh maple syrup from them every morning.
9. Every single human being needs to admit that The Office is not funny. Enough said.
10. Ten million dollars would do me nicely as well. Actually the dollar has no value these days, does it? I’ll take the equivalant of such money in euros.
Should these conditions not be met, the people of the world will face harsh consequences. Like an annual fee to use Facebook. Or 5 High School Musical movies a year. Or everyone will be forced to lose the game every single second of their lives (by the way, you just lost the game). The choice is yours, world. Think about it.
With love,
Danny Zeff
P.S. If you are not reading this letter in a published format using an excessive number of juxtaposed typefaces, but rather you just happen to be browsing my blog, feel free to kindly disregard the entire note. And have a good day.
