2009: Year of the Car
Jan 26th
2009 was the year of the car. At least my car. Let me elaborate.
POINT OF ORDER.
I’m proud to announce this is my first post of the new decade. And that’s not all. This is the first post on the all new DannyZeff.com. The entire website has been completely redesigned so that it is no longer a random website with further random “subsites” but rather a true showcase of everything Danny Zeff. That includes Yamblings, which now sits along the top of the website among my other writings and videos. (Of course if you are one of my Facebook readers, then none of this affects you. However I do recommend checking out the website.)
END POINT.
I received my driver’s license in fall 2008. And in summer 2009, I officially received my dad’s white 1998 Honda Civic. Meanwhile he bought a new Honda Insight, which is a new hybrid from Honda that from the outside looks exactly like the Prius. As far as I am aware, only two have sold in the Sacramento area. Guess who has the better car now?
I thought having my own car would be amazing. I could finally set the radio presets the way I wanted, pimp it with whatever bumper stickers I wanted, and join a mob since I could hide corpses in the trunk. Little did I know how much trouble I would have with my silly little Honda Civic. So instead of describing the ups and down of the year like I did for 2008, I want to yamble on about what my car has put me through. Here we go.
June 2009. I was visiting Santa Rosa on what I consider my first road trip. Unfortunately the road and I weren’t working so well hand-in-hand. I probably made at least 10 illegal moves over that weekend (hopefully cops don’t read this). Well, some point that weekend my friend and I were blasting some Frank Zappa while I drove through one of those Santa Rosan suburbs. My friend told me that I missed a stop sign a few yards back. I refused to believe it, but just to check, I turned my head–still in rhythm with “Dancin’ Fool”–just to prove there was no stop si–
Posing with my car
THUD! The car came to a loud stop. I was scared shitless that I crashed the whole front of the car into something awful. Quickly I stepped out of the car. No damage to the car itself… I just hit the curb very fast and very harshly. The only problem? I punctured one of the front tires. Huge gaping hole just laughing at me.
Well that was embarrassing, but luckily this happened in the middle of a residential neighborhood and not down the busy freeway of Interstate 5. My friend’s dad came by and helped me lift the car using a jack, take off the poor tire, and put on a spare (which I didn’t even know existed in my car!). Unfortunately even then, the spare tire was a bit flat. So I had to call up AAA so someone could come by and give the spare tire some air. The AAA-rep said it would take maybe 20 minutes. I’m pretty sure we waited an hour, if not two, just so we could get that air. The next morning I brought the car to Les Schwab, where they put in some new tires. And that was that. From that point on, I was a lot more careful when driving. Especially if I had friends in the car.
I thought that would be the end of my car trouble, but noooooooooooo. It was just beginning. Skip to approximately a month later. I had driven across California to go work at Camp Ramah for my 10th year associated with the camp. The drive down was smooth. It was once I got there that was the problem. For those not familiar with the camp, let me explain the terrain. The entire camp is built on a hill. The bunks–where the youngest kids sleep, fight, and pick their noses–are on the top of this hill. The staff parking lot–where staff members smoke, eat In N Out, and pick their noises–is way beyond the bottom of the hill where it all flattens out. So that bunk counselors don’t have to shlep their luggage from the parking lot to the bunks, they temporarily park their cars at the top of the hill to move their stuff. As long as the cars are in the parking lot before the campers arrive, this is not a problem.
For those having troubles conceptualizing this
And of course, this was the problem. On the morning before all the campers were to arrive, I needed to move my car to the parking lot. I checked the cubby where I put my keys… except… wait… where were my keys? I searched frantically. I could not find them anywhere! But they had to be around. I knew I needed to find them quickly; rule of thumb is once something is lost at summer camp, it never turns up again (something I dealt with at least once each of those 10 years). I had no time to patiently search for them. I called up AAA again and asked if they could tow my car to the parking lot while meanwhile I’d wait for a spare car key to be sent from home. They said they do not cover that; the car can only be towed home or to a repair shop.
POINT OF ORDER.
Think of the fridge logic here. For free, AAA could tow my car to my house–a seven-hour drive give or take. However driving it approximately half a mile would cost me. Does anyone else see the flaw in the system?
END POINT.
AAA’s initial solution was to send in car locksmith, who could come in a few hours and create a new usable key for $150ish. Trying to hold onto my money like any good Jewish teen boy would (not to mention the kids would arrive in a few hours), I asked if there was any faster, cheaper alternative. Luckily there was: a third-party could tow it for about half the price. Good enough solution for me. The car was moved and I got to greet my amazing campers (even you, Aaron F) stress-free.
Sure enough, the next morning I found my keys hidden between two t-shirts. Considering there were a bunch of kids in the same room as me, I tried to curse as quietly as possible.
That was the end of my car trouble for the summer. Unfortunately it was not the end of my car trouble in 2009. Just wait until you read about what happened once I got to CHAPMAN UNIVERSITY. But we’ll save it for next time on Yamblings. Zeff out.
Neil Patrick Harris Needs No Explanation (and here’s proof)
Dec 27th
For some reason, the other night Neil Patrick Harris popped into my mind. And with absolutely no reason, I decided to update my Facebook status with those three simple words: Neil Patrick Harris. I had a good feeling that several people would respond to this status, and sure enough I was right. Take a look below.
However I quite surprised to see exactly what the comments were. I thought surely someone would comment “Yeah, what about him?” But no! Every poster not only agreed with me, but finished the statement on my behalf. And no, Ari, he’d be my boyfriend if I was gay. Speaking of which, the holy NPH is the Gay of the Week. Imagine that.
Well good job, Neil! Looks like my experiment was successful. You are truly a man that needs no explanation to exist as a Facebook status. Next I must see if more people will start following me if I tweet your name on Twitter.
In the mean time, I’m suddenly in the mood to watch a Harold & Kumar flick…
Do a Mitzvah This December (and Happy Chanukah!)
Dec 11th
This month’s NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month, and yes, every month is national blog posting month) theme is MITZVAH. For all you non-Jews out there, MITZVAH is not an acronym for My Intense Testicles Zap Very Accurately Here. Often we translate mitzvah as “commandment” as in the 613 commandments of the Torah, although “commandment” isn’t the most appropriate word either”). But the term mitzvah is also used to express an act of human kindness, or even a “good deed” is you want to go that far.
It’s no coincidence that they chose mitzvah for December. Remember all those holidays coming up? Maybe you haven’t watched that annoying GAP commercial with the screaming children enough (“I love my comfy sweater… I love my comfy sweater….”). This is the time to be kind to one another and share the love. Need a secret Santa gift? In this economy, the best thing is not a $50 Best Buy giftcard but something more personal… why not just hang out for an entire day with a friend you haven’t spent much time with lately? I know I can’t wait to go home and see my family and friends (especially our upcoming epic IKEA adventure!).
On that note, NaBloPoMo offered the challenge of giving someone something every day of this month. That’s something we ought to do every day of the year. And even though it is too late for me to start posting every day this month, it is never too late for me to start giving. So here is what I’m giving my friends. If there is anything you want or anything I can do for you, please give me a call and I’ll help you out (within reason of course… I’m not changing your cat’s litter box again).
On a different yet related note, I was speaking to a stranger on Omegle who claimed to be female, but knowing this is Omegle she could have downright been male. Anyways, I discovered this person also a member of the tribe. Somewhere during our conversation I brought up how Chanukah (the correct spelling) is a minor holiday and only gets so much attention because it happens around Christmastime. My stranger friend was a tad offended; she loves Chanukah because it is a huge family bonding time for her and one of the only Jewish practices they follow. Most people would shrug this off, but this really made me think. Often I take for granted how much I’m into my Judaism and the fact that I celebrate every festival and observe–or at least am aware–of most of the laws and customs. But I forget that most Jews are not like me, and perhaps go to synagogue once a year for Yom Kippur. For them, I can see why Chanukah is a special time.
Here is what I have concluded. Chanukah is a minor festival in terms of halacha (Jewish law). But the story of Chanukah is just as important as any moment in Jewish history, and people have the right to be as festive (but not Festivus) as they desire to be.
To my Jews and non-Jews, have a legit Chanukah. May your chanukiahs (menorahs) hold long candles… because you know what they say about chanukiahs with long candles…
Strange Conversations with Strangers
Nov 20th
Today I discovered Omegle, a website that pairs you with a stranger for a 1-on-1 chat. There are no age restrictions, no censors, no profiles, no log-ins. It can be completely anonymous unless you reveal information to one another. Sounds sketchy? Of course it does. But I’ve long mastered the skill of the internet chatroom: Way back when I was a young preteen chatting with people while playing Yahoo! Games to my times now when I pimp my avatar in IMVU. But Omegle is definitely the most interesting one I’ve come across. I spent about 3 hours just chatting with people to see what kinds of conversations I would have. At times I played the straight man, while other times I was the strange one. And when I LOLed out loud (LOLOLed), I made sure to save the chat. Here’s some snippets of those chats:
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: horny?
You: not as much as you are
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
*********
You: what are you up to?
Stranger: playing PC game
You: what game?
Stranger: game in china
You: anything more specific?
Stranger: this game is made in china
Stranger: and if you want play that you must in china
You: ok got it
Stranger: yes
Stranger: not as wow is global game
*********
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: sexy girl?
You: you feeling lucky?
Stranger: maybe
You: how you doin, big boy?
Stranger: good. asl?
You: 18/m/cali
Stranger: fahg
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
********
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: salutations
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
********
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: shalom
Stranger: WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU GODDAMN JEW?
You: i want your salmon
Stranger: HAVEN’T YOU HAD ENOUGH OF MY GELD?
You: what is this “geld” you speak of?
Stranger: CHRISTMAS ISN’T ENOUGH YOU PEOPLE? YOU HAVE TO HAVE CHUANKAKAKA TOOOOO?
You: and YOM KIPPUR
You: don’t forget PASSOVER!!!!
Stranger: ROSH HUANANANNAA
Stranger: MATZA BALL SOUUUUUPPPP
Stranger: but really, that shit is good
You: i know, right?
********
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Stranger: ?
Stranger: you spanish?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
********
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi there would u want to see a nice cock on the cam ?
You: how nice is it?
You: on a scale of 1 to 10
You: take your time
Stranger: 9 inch
You: not bad
Stranger: how big ur boobs?
You: circumcized or not?
Stranger: circumcized
You: nice, mine’s 10 inches
You: SURPRISE!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
*********
Stranger: asl?
You: yes, i am a member of the american softball league
Stranger: okay…
You: are you a member of the asl as well?
********
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: hey
Stranger: hey
You: hey
Stranger: hey
You: hey
Stranger: whaddddd up?
You: you got a real purdy mouth
Stranger: man im gay
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
********
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: girl or guy?
You: you feeling lucky?
Stranger: yes
You: guy
You: you?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
********
You: hi
Stranger: hey
Stranger: male?
You: it depends… would you disconnect if i said “male”?
You: don’t bullshit me
You: *snapping in a Z-formation*
Stranger: yup probably
You: then i’m female
Am I ever going to return to Omegle? Perhaps. If I’m really bored. And there’s absolutely nothing on the internet worth doing.
Dr. Horrible Prequel is Not Horrible
Nov 12th
Now that we live in a YouTube society where essentially anyone can pick up a camera, film something, transfer the footage to a computer, and edit it in a quick amount of time, a lot of decent amateur films are being produced. Unfortunately, just because nonprofessionals have access to professional-quality technology, this doesn’t mean that they automatically have professional-quality ideas. Thus fan movies were born… amateur films that use characters and concepts from an already-known famous work. I am not saying this is a bad thing; after all fan fiction has existed for years and is not going to die any time soon. I’m also a huge fan of a particular Star Wars fan webseries known as Chad Vader.
Today while I was browsing Facebook I noticed one of my friends updated her status to mention a prequel to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, which my closest friends and I absolutely love and is one of the better products of the 2007-2008 Writer’s Strike. Extremely curious, I googled “dr horrible prequel” and I discovered that the fan-made prequel Horrible Turns was released only two days ago. Since I was sitting in a friend’s room at the time (I had left my card key in my room and had to wait for my roommate to get back to open the door), we sat down and began watching this film. I went in with some slight negative expectations, but towards the end my opinions were completely different. I figure that by tomorrow, there’s going to be a million reviews of this production. I wanted to get a head start on the bandwagon… hopefully it will bring traffic to my blog.
Here’s a quick synopsis. May contain spoilers! Horrible Turn traces the origins of how the lovable “Billy Buddy” became Dr. Horrible with a PhD in Horribleness, as well as how Captain Hammer became a corporate tool. The story takes place in high school, and Billy is preparing for a math competition. But that’s not the only thing on his mind… he wants to impress Australian exchange student Katie Kitty (no wonder he wants to give Penny “a shiny new Australia” several years later!). He also wants to change the world and stop all violence, especially now that he’s aware that a mysterious Evil League of Evil is forming and committing various crimes. But neither the Evil League of Evil nor his crush are the worst of his worries. His douchebaggy egocentric math teammate Kenny Hammerstein (Jewish?) is. Need more to get you interested? The infamous Johnny Snow is another rival of Billy. Still not enough? How about a cameo from Dead Bowie? Alright, I hope I have you hooked now.
The first thing that really stands out about this is its high production value. Elaborate soundtrack, well designed sets, HD cinematography, even the casting isn’t all that bad. I can’t help but wonder how much this cost, or where they possibly got the money from. A senior thesis film at Chapman University can cost around $20,000–if not more–and that’s only a 20-minute film. Horrible Turn is about an hour (which is longer than its predecessor). I’m sure the guys that made this realize how unlikely it is to make a profit off an unauthorized adaptation of a copyrighted work, so there must have been a motive other than money. Perhaps the director (as well as the actors) will use it as part of their film reel and resume to get legit jobs.
The songs were well written and performed, even if they aren’t quite as catchy or memorable as the music of the original. Although I wonder if I listen to the music more than the songs will get suck in my head. I’ve noticed there are two types of musicals: shows with songs that progress the plot (think Sweeny Todd) and shows with songs that are quite catchy but simply branch off of characters’ conversation and could easily be skipped over without leaving plot holes (think Grease). The original Dr. Horrible is the former type. Horrible Turn unfortunately is the latter type. This didn’t take away from the film, but a show is always more clever when the songs can be naturally placed into the plot rather than being like “I need to use the bathroom. LET’S SING A SONG ABOUT IT!” I also noticed that many of the songs have a very similar “sister” song in the original:
“There’s No Place on Earth Like Australia” = “My Freeze Ray” (both are about a certain female interest)
“The Australian Consulate Chorus” = “Bad Horse Chorus” (both have a chorus… duh!)
“She Talked to Me” = “My Eyes” (both involve Billy and his love interest in a duet, even though they don’t appear onscreen together)
“I am Handsome” = “A Man’s Gotta Do” (both involve Hammer singing about his ego)
“You’re All Winners to Me” = “Everyone’s a Hero” (now Hammer sings in front of a dais)
The Creepy Final Song = The Creepy Final Song (both are creepy final songs)
On an ending note about the music, I really enjoyed Johnny Snow’s post-credits ballad to Hammer. Great laugh out loud moment.
The cast was not bad, but it was not Oscar-worthy either. The actors performed their characters well, not trying to impersonate Nathan Fillion or Neil Patrick Harris yet developing enough so that we the audience can truly accept that these were in fact the teenage versions of the characters we have learned to love. This holds especially true for the boy who played Kenny Hammerstein. I thought the casting for Billy was a bit off; his physical appearance gives him more of a bully look than the “lovable geek” look. It wasn’t a distracting thing though. And Katie Kitty is absolutely stunning (I was crushed to see what happened between she and Billy at the end, but I won’t give that away). Some of the lines were a bit cheesy, but I wonder if this was intended to give it a “fan fictiony” feel.
This “origins” storyline was very clever and kept well with the continuity of the characters. Could this film work as a standalone, or is it dependent on its predecessor? Much like The Godfather III, I think viewers would like the story but not appreciate it fully if they did not see the original. I did enjoy all the clever references to the original Dr. Horrible film as well as other Joss Whedon works, and then some early 90s references as well. To name a few:
- the competing math team is from a school called Serenity
- there is a garbage company called DahlHaus (Dollhouse)
- look closely for the Buffy poster hanging on a wall
- “You want to go out for frozen yogurt?” “I’m allergic to frozen yogurt.” “I meant pie.”
- there is a character named Felicia Night
- brick cellular phones (“It’s so tiny”)
- a newspaper with a headline saying the digital music industry is bound to fail
- Billy looks us info on CompuServe and Prodigy
And speaking of references, I bet this production will bring up the issue of copyright. The film’s website explicitly states: “Any similarity to characters created by Joss Whedon is, like, totally a coincidence. And by ‘coincidence’ we mean accidental. And by ‘accidental’ we mean fortunate. And by ‘fortunate’ we mean intentional. And by ‘intentional’ we mean unauthorized.” When thought over, nothing in this film mentions any copyrighted name (even when Billy starts saying his new name “Doctor…” it cuts out before he says “Horrible”). I suppose only intellectual property has been preached upon. Would Joss Whedon make a fuss over that though? Actually I’m really curious to know what Joss Whedon thought of Horrible Turn. Hopefully he will release an official statement about it in the next few days. I also wonder if he’d be willing to consider this story canonical, especially as the authorized Dr. Horrible sequel is in the works.
Overall, Horrible Turn does not match up to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog in any way. The original web film explored a mishmash of bizarre themes… a supervillain (who is really the hero) blogging about his daily life dealing with the superhero (who is really the douchebag antagonist) as well as pursuing a girl in a laundromat… on top of that, the characters break out into song every few minutes. As soon as “My Freeze Ray” begins, the average viewer has that WTF look on that face yet is compelled to keep watching. The prequel is not WTF in that way, nor does it dive into the philosophical questions of what is good and what is evil. It is simply a tribute to an excellent Joss Whedon production.
Do I have any regrets watching Horrible Turn? Not at all. I began watching it thinking it would be pretty bad, but I finished watching it and concluding that it was enjoyable. I even had some moments where I laughed out loud. I think it can only be appreciated if you are as obsessed with the Dr. Horrible universe as much as I am.
Now it’s your turn to comment. Watch the entire movie, directly embedded below this line. Then post your own thoughts.
Wii Fit Promotes Child Abuse
Sep 9th
I love the Nintendo Wii. Who doesn’t (besides the “hardcore” gamers that are actually anti-social nerds who play Halo all day)? Unfortunately now I love the Wii a little less. This is because this casual game console promotes child abuse! Or more specifically, the popular game Wii Fit promotes child abuse.
I was at a friend’s house for a Fathers’ Day brunch. When my friends, her siblings, and I were done eating we decided to head over to the glorious Wii. I was excited to play Wii Fit as I had heard so many great things about it, and I couldn’t wait to stand on the holy Balance Board of holiness. For those that don’t know, Wii Fit is a fitness game designed for people to lazy to join a gym (irony!). It consists of several mini-games consisting of yoga, aerobics, and balance. One of the balance games is called Soccer Heading (known as Football Heading outside the US), in which you are the goalie at soccer practice and all your teammates are kicking soccer balls your way. It is your job to headbutt the balls by leaning either to the left or the right on the Balance Board. Here’s a picture.
But now here’s the twist. Some of the kids don’t even kick balls. Rather they throw shoes and panda heads, both of which are black and white so they are easy to mix up with the legit balls. And instead of headbutting these, you must dodge them to avoid brutal pain. And that’s where I realized I had a problem with this game.
I’m not here to yamble about consumerism (not again, anyways) since these kids seem to have so many disposable shoes to throw at me. And I’m not here to yamble about the environmental cruelty of ripping off panda hands and then throwing them at me. As I said earlier, I’m yambling because this game is promoting child abuse. Nintendo apparently is okay with kids getting hit in the head with shoes and panda heads. Sure, they’re not real people. But if I may take a philosophical trangression, who is to say that we people are any more real than Wii people? Miis have feelings too.
To make matters worse, the soccer coach on the right side of the screen does absolutely nothing about it! I know PE teachers are generally heartless with their whole “rub some dirt on it” way of life, but these kids are throwing FRICKING PANDA HEADS! If he can’t even run over to you to check if you are okay, the least he could do is stop the game and kick the kids out that are throwing those strange objects. But no, you have to keep on playing until you run out of balls. Now I never joined any high school sports but I refuse to believe that practices were that cruel!
Some of you may think I’m posting this just because I suck at Wii Fit and I have no balance. Well you are wrong. I am seriously disappointed in Nintendo, who is known for its child friendly games (yay for capturing pets, keeping them in tiny balls, and forcing them to fight each other!) I know the Wii Fit Plus is soon going to come out. I just hope Nintendo has understood what they did wrong and removed this awful, awful game from this new version. Because child abuse is never funny. Unless it’s David after the dentist.
This is NOT Your Bag
Jul 14th
I was shopping at The Triple B (Bed, Bath, Beyond) on dorm-related business when I noticed some unusual luggage tags. There was a package of 6 tags in different colors which each had this message: “This is NOT your bag.” At first, one might wonder why anyone would waste their money on such pessimistic labeling. But a few seconds later it all makes sense. If you’ve just arrived in the airport after a million bajillion-hour flight from who knows where, of course you’re going to be too tired to spot your luggage at the baggage claim. These brightly labeled bags not only make it easy for you to find your bag, it also CLEARLY informs people that the bag does not belong to them. So there is zero chance that anyone else would take home your bag, leaving you stranded in your dirty clothing that is filled with Coke and barf stains (courtesy of the screaming baby that sat next to you during the flight).
But here’s a scenario. What if more than one person bought those luggage tags? It’s not likely that even one person would be stupid enough to purchase one, but this is just a hypothetical. In fact, let’s say two people bought a set of those tags. And those two people happened to travel on the same flight. And those two people happen to have taken extremely similar looking bags, duplicates if you want to even go that far (I quote the words of Greg Focker: “Well don’t you think that the Samsonite people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, made more than one black suitcase?”). I think you see where I’m going with this. Both of these people come to baggage claim and identify what they think is their bag because it has the huge annoying tag that says “This is NOT your bag.” But it is only once they get home or to their hotel that they realize the truth of the tag…. it literally is NOT their bag. In fact, the person with the identical suitcase and tag happens to have the bag they need. Which puts them both in a giant pickle (that phrase makes no sense either, but we’ll save that for another time).
Here’s another scenario that’s not quite as likely but still possible. Let’s say someone purchases the tags, and that person happens to be really stupid. Or just takes things very literally. Or maybe he’s forgetful. Could be short term memory loss, but I’m not licensed to diagnose hypothetical people. Anyways this person arrives at the airport after his long flight, and when he goes to baggage claim he finds a bag with a tag that sas “This is NOT your bag.” Being the stupid/literal/forgetful/ADD person that he is, he is assured that this is NOT his bag. Even though the bag looks like his bag… it even has the same ketchup stain and rip in the lower left corner… it cannot be his bag because the tag CLEARLY says that it does not belong to him. So the man moves on and continues searching for his bag. Which he fails to accomplish. In the end he has to go to customer service, which takes the entire airline crew to finally convince him that the sole remaining suitcase on the conveyor belt is in fact his bag, despite what the tag may say. How embarrassing.
Now I’m sure you’re all thinking that these scenarios are too improbable to ever happen and you should not have to take them into consideration when thinking about investing in these interesting tags. My advice? It’s not worth it. Sure, maybe it’s not likely you’ll be on the same flight with someone with an identical suitcase and tag. And maybe you’re not that stupid, literal, forgetful, or just like to be a douchebag. But the real reason you shouldn’t waste your money on these tags? What is the chance that you won’t be able to identify your bag in the first place? I mean seriously, people.
And if you’re standing in a Triple B right now, noticing those very same tags, and reading this yambling in hope to get some insight… well then, you’re just as stupid as the person who can’t identify his own bag.
Conversation with the Ting Tings
Jul 7th
Sometimes I like to pretend I know famous people. So every now and then I’ll watch a music video on YouTube and try to have a conversation with it. Take this conversation I had with the Ting Tings, for example.
Me: Hi, my name is Danny. What’s yours?
TT: They call me Hell.
Me: That’s a pretty strange name.
TT: They call me Stacey.
Me: Oh nice. I know a few Staceys.
TT: They call me her.
Me: Well that makes sense. You are female.
TT: They call me Jane.
Me: Is that like your middle name or something?
TT: That’s not my name.
Me: Wait, then what’s your name?
TT: That’s not my name.
Me: Yeah I got that, but what’s your name.
TT: That’s not my name.
Me: THEN WHAT’S YOUR FUCKING NAME?
TT: That’s not my name.
Me: I don’t think we’ve got much chemistry.
Yeah, it wasn’t a very productive conversation. It was worse than the time I tried talking to Alanis Morisette. (“No, that is not irony! That just fricking sucks for that guy!”)
What is there to do in El Paso?
Jun 16th
Yesterday I was having dinner with some friends at Dos Coyotes (delicious food by the way) and we started talking about different colleges. I, as you hopefully know, am enrolled and excited to go to Chapman University this fall. However my two friends are seniors-to-be and are only now starting their college search. One friend said he would consider UT, which led the other friend to bring up our ongoing UTEP jokes. For those of you not familiar with Texas acronyms, UT refers to University of Texas in Autisn, while UTEP is that same thing… except the El Paso version with a 99% acceptance rate. Not to mention all those hardcore Miners fans.
This then transitioned into a brief conversation about El Paso and what there was to do there. As you should also hopefully know, I lived in El Paso for eight years. So I consider myself an expert on this border city. One of the friends argued that all El Paso has to offer is drugs and shootings. I had to disagree, explaining that El Paso really has two sides to it: the rich suburban West Side and the not-as-rich East Side. I also argued that there is plenty of things to do in El Paso. This of course led my friend to ask me to share an example. I was speechless…. what was there to do in El Paso? After all, when I lived there I was only a kid. My after school activities involved tennis lessons at Coronado Country Club, piano lessons at White’s Music Box, and the Boy Scouts.
The only thing I could come up with is Chico’s Tacos. No one should ever take a trip to El Paso and leave without having a bite at Chico’s Tacos. Imagine this greasy Mexican dish buried…. yes, buried…. within a sauce. But enough about Chico’s Tacos. What else is there? As a kid there’s plenty of places to go…. the Insights Science Museum always one of my favorites. But if I were to visit now as a young adult, what would I do there?
So now I have made it my mission to answer that. Since I don’t live there any more, obviously I can’t do much first-hand research. But I do know that this post will get sent to Facebook, and a good percent of my Facebook friends live in that good ol’ city. So to mi amigos del paso del norte, what is there to do in El Paso? Comment below!
World Ransom Note
Apr 26th
Dear World,
If you are reading this letter in a published format using an excessive number of juxtaposed typefaces, that means I now have control of the future of the planet. How did I end up obtaining it? Perhaps it was YouTube propaganda that led me to combine every country into a single-party state. Maybe Obama, Netanyahu, and I were playing poker and he lost… badly. Or maybe it’s the fact that Jews cause global warming, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I now have possession of the world and there is nothing you can do to stop me. There is good news, and it has nothing to do with saving 15% or more on car insurance. I am willing to return earth to the people, but I have a few demands that must be met.
1. I want the recipe for every Jamba Juice flavor that has ever existed. Including the classics that they no longer put on the menu. Including all the secret menu flavors, especially White Gummi Bear.
2. MTV must cancel all of their reality shows and play music. I would think that’s a fairly simple request, and it would do so much good for the world. Especially those girls on The Hills. Finally we can see if they can function without a camera on their faces. Oh wait, I guess we won’t see them, will we?
3. Pepsi needs to return to their old logo. This new minimalist crap sucks. There is no reason why I need to think of Obama’s “Yes We Can” or “Change We Can Believe In” while drinking a nice refreshing cola. And while they’re reverting all their label designs, theys should fix up that Mountain Dew formula. It used to taste good. But now it tastes like fizzy urine (not that I’ve ever drinken fizzy urine).
4. Miley Cyrus must finally admit that she’s not real, but her alter-ego Hannah Montana is. Everyone knows the whole thing is just a conspiracy… or should I say marketing campaign. At some point Disney is gonna come out with a movie in which she reveals that she was just a double agent; Hannah was simply playing a girl named Miley to cover up the fact that she is actually Hannah, but her cover up is Hannah to just confuse everyone.
5. I demand a new Macbook with a Firewire port. I am a filmmaker, and I deserve to be able to edit my video footage on a new aluminum laptop at a decent consumer price. I’m not blaming Steve Jobs for this one since I doubt it was his decision to phase out Firewire. But whoever is fucking with Apple’s computers needs to sent to the guillotine.
6. I want Susan Boyle to serenade me to sleep every night. Think she knows any Yiddish lullabies? If not, she’ll learn some. On a similar note, I want the Flight of the Conchords to wake me up every morning.
7. The entire public school system must be overthrown and recreated from scratch. Eliminate standardarized testing. Hell, eliminate state standards completely. What good is knowing the year the Magna Carta was signed if you don’t even need to know what the document was about? If you want to know my complete vision for an ideal school system, maybe I’ll save that for another time.
8. California must recede from the United States. Then California will annex all the other states into its new nation. The capital of the United States of California will be Ojai, and the national food will be Ojai Pizza. Puerto Rico and Guam will also become states. Texas is exempt from joining as I fear a huge Texas/California civil war. Canada may join in if they feel like it, but I will demand fresh maple syrup from them every morning.
9. Every single human being needs to admit that The Office is not funny. Enough said.
10. Ten million dollars would do me nicely as well. Actually the dollar has no value these days, does it? I’ll take the equivalant of such money in euros.
Should these conditions not be met, the people of the world will face harsh consequences. Like an annual fee to use Facebook. Or 5 High School Musical movies a year. Or everyone will be forced to lose the game every single second of their lives (by the way, you just lost the game). The choice is yours, world. Think about it.
With love,
Danny Zeff
P.S. If you are not reading this letter in a published format using an excessive number of juxtaposed typefaces, but rather you just happen to be browsing my blog, feel free to kindly disregard the entire note. And have a good day.